The Real Cost of Homeownership Is My Pride
A mortgage consultation forced me to confront debt, provision, and my need to feel useful.
A loan officer was kind enough to have a preliminary consultation with my wife and me, and the breakdown of the numbers was both useful and terrifying.
We need a lot more money than what we already have — And I’m already upset that what we have came from her and I’m not very useful financially right now
My pride hurts - what I’ve grown to know about what being a man, especially a husband, entails is being questioned. I’m not able to provide in the one way that society has deemed it necessary for men to provide - financially.
Part of learning what it is to be a man - what this whole SubStack is about - is to rewire myself about what masculinity is. Being vulnerable enough to admit/see your shortfalls and seek help in filling that void is strength. It feels weak in the moment at times, but life is a learning environment and it’s your duty to learn from experiences and be intentional about making better choices in the future.
The Conversation
So when we spoke to the loan officer, he was kind enough to give us a breakdown of what the numbers may actually look like in 2 different areas:
Example A - Condo
Total Price: $450,000
Down Payment at 4%: $18,000
Closing Costs at 5%: 22,500
Cash Needed: $40,500
Example B - Multifamily
Total Price: $750,000
Down Payment at 4%: $30,000
Closing Costs at 5%: $37,500
Cash Needed: $67,500
As of right now, my wife and I have $30,000 saved and we were thinking of using that pot of money for the down payment. We didn’t even know closing costs and paying for the home inspection was a cash expenses as well. As soon as I heard those numbers, I felt my body tense and my mind begin turning against me because all of that savings came from her income. I was instantly reminded of how little I had contributed to this particular pool of savings and how my previous mistakes with money were putting us at a disadvantage.
I am extremely grateful that my wife is able to save so much of her income and is willing to put it towards our future but it is a bit disheartening that I’m currently not in the position to do the same. Does she shame me for being in the position I am in now? Absolutely not. She reminds me constantly that my career has just started. In fact, she noticed me staring into space after hearing the numbers and brought me back to the present to ensure I wasn’t downward spiraling. She is very aware about my feelings towards not being able to provide financially and how I can shame myself for it. That shame comes from the standard I have as a man, provide for and protect who and what you love. And this quantifiable way of measuring providing for (financially) is lacking in my department.
My wife was not keeping score, I was the one staring at the scoreboard.
Now, I would say that I am proud that I didn’t let those numbers send me in a downward spiral. My mind was spiraling but it was more of me getting a grasp on how much OT I would need to pick up to help in the most useful way possible now - reduce my debt and improve my credit score. Right now I’m at around 670 while my wife is in the high 700s. The loan officer wants me to get above 700 so that our interest rates will be better.
My Season Right Now
So my focus for the next 3 months is to pay off all my credit card debt while still having some cash and handling regular expenses — What I really am learning is living within my means. I grew up with the mentality “money will always come back” and although I strongly believe that to be true, I am in a season where my debt to income (DTI) is very important right now and my income can only increase by so much so the real factor that needs to be affected is the debt. Hell, that philosophy of “money will always come back” was what led to the debt in the first place. I would spend money I didn’t necessarily have in cash or if I did, carry balances over anyway just to hold onto the cash but keep spending credit.
I’m fortunate enough to know someone with a passion for bookkeeping so I got some help from him and am impressed by his ability to analyze the data and get me to see certain patterns I would’ve missed otherwise. Seems like the perfect 2-for-1 deal, I get the financial help I need, and he gets the reps in at bookkeeping. He’s going to help me see what I really spend my money on, how much I am actually making, and help me place my money in the right buckets to eliminate this debt and overall be more mindful of my finances.
Learning to Build Together
Paying off the debt is the measurable goal. The harder work is learning not to confuse needing help with being helpless. Maybe preparing to own a home is not only about proving that I can afford one. Maybe it is also about becoming the kind of husband who can build something with his wife without needing to believe he built it alone.